How to Help Your Team Understand Each Other’s Intentions Before Conflict Creeps In
Transcript:
One of the biggest killers of collaboration isn’t conflict. It’s misinterpretation. If you’ve ever watched two really good, competent people misread each other, you know how quickly collaboration can start to feel heavier than it needs to.
And most of the time? It’s not because anyone’s being difficult. It’s because they’re interpreting each other’s behaviour without understanding the motivation behind it.
This is one of the most common things I see in teams. And it creates way more tension than anyone realises.
Here’s why this happens:
As Stephen Covey said: We judge ourselves on our intentions. But we judge others on their behaviour.
So if I speak directly, I know I’m trying to be efficient - but someone else might see me as blunt.
If I ask a lot of questions, I know I’m trying to get clarity and prevent mistakes down the line - but someone else might see me as slowing things down.
If I hesitate before speaking, I know I’m thinking things through thorougly - but someone else might see me as disengaged or tentative.
Same behaviour. Completely different interpretation of what it means.
And unless a team understands this, they start reacting to the behaviour. Instead of the motivation behind it.
Here are a few quick examples of different underlying motivations you might see on your team based on different Enneagram types:
Type 1: When they question a process or suggest improvements, they’re not criticising - they’re trying to ensure things are done well and properly.
Type 2: When they step in to help quickly, even unasked, they’re not inserting themselves - they genuinely want people to feel supported.
Type 3: When they move fast and push for momentum, it’s not impatience - they’re motivated by achieving results the team can be proud of.
Type 4: When they pull back to reflect, it’s not moodiness - they’re trying to bring depth or meaning to the work.
Type 5: When they ask for more information, it’s not resistance - they’re making sure they have enough clarity to contribute fully.
Type 6: When they ask “What if…?” questions, it’s not pessimism - they’re scanning for risk so the team isn’t blindsided.
Type 7: When they shift to new ideas quickly, it’s not distraction - they’re exploring ideas that might unlock even more possibility.
Type 8: When they’re direct or decisive, it’s not aggression - they’re protecting the team and pushing for action.
Type 9: When they don’t voice a strong preference, it’s not passivity - they’re trying to keep the peace and hold the group together.
When you know these motivations, you stop reacting to the behaviour. And start seeing the intention behind it. And that’s where teams begin to breathe again
So: What can you do as a leader to help your team see intention before they judge behaviour?
Here are a few practical steps:
First: Assume positive intent out loud.
When someone behaves in a way that could be misread, try adding context like: “Hey, maybe they’re asking this because they want to make sure we’re prepared…”
or “She’s usually really good at pushing for clarity - that’s how she helps us avoid rework.”
You’re not speaking for people. You’re simply modelling a generous interpretation.
Second: Check in on intention:
“I want to make sure I’m not misinterpreting. Can you walk me through the intention behind that?”
When you model curiosity instead of assumption, your team learns to do the same.
In most cases, the answer is surprising and it clears up any assumptions on the spot.
Third: Be honest about your own intention:
So if you’re someone who tends to come across as critical and doubtful because you ask a lot of questions, you might say “I’m fully behind this and want to make sure I’m super clear before we charge ahead, so I’m probably going to ask a lot of questions.”
By giving others the heads up and sharing our intentions clearly, we can prevent misunderstandings and the reactions that result.
When teams start checking intention instead of reacting to behaviour, everything shifts:
They take things less personally
They give each other more grace
They challenge ideas more safely
And collaboration starts feeling easy again — not effortful
So try one of these as a small experiment this week and see what changes as a result.