When The Holidays Wake Up Our Old Enneagram Patterns
What is it about the holidays that makes us feel like we haven’t grown at all?
We can do months of good, grounded work on ourselves. We can feel clear, regulated, and less reactive. And then we’re back at the family table and suddenly the 5‑year‑old (or teen!) version of us is right there again. Something comes out of your mouth and you immediately cringe, while your partner - who thinks they know you intimately - looks at you with a shocked, “Where on earth did that come from?”
Growth doesn’t make us immune to family dynamics. In fact, the holidays often place us right back into the environment where our Enneagram patterns were first formed. Not as personality traits, but as deeply intelligent strategies we adopted to stay loved, safe, and in belonging.
Our Enneagram type was shaped in our earliest holding environment. We learned very quickly what earned connection, what reduced conflict, and what kept us close to the people we depended on.
So even when we’ve done “the work” to loosen our type’s firm grasp, when we return to the same people, roles, and unspoken rules, our nervous system recognises the terrain long before our adult awareness catches up. The defense mechanisms that once kept us safe come back online to do the job they were designed for.
The Type 1 might get weirdly polite and overly appropriate. The Type 4 might seem to take everything personally. The Type 7 might start cracking jokes. The Type 8 might deny responsibility.
So if you notice yourself falling into old patterns this holiday season, please don’t assume you’ve made no progress at all.
Your nervous system is trying to protect you. And as soon as you’re in an environment that brings up familiar needs and old stories, your predictive patterning kicks in to keep you safe.
What can be helpful is 3 things:
Naming the pattern (internally): for example, “I’m noticing my need to isolate right now,” without trying to fix it, just acknowledging that this is what feels protective in this moment.
Seeing if you can recognise the pattern behind your family members’ behaviour too. This can help depersonalise what feels frustrating in the heat of the moment and bring you back to seeing the wounding underneath it.
And then, if you have the capacity, a third thing:
Gently reminding yourself that you’re not 5 years old anymore. Or 15. You have more choice now than you did then, even if your body hasn’t quite caught up yet.
This isn’t about overriding the pattern or forcing yourself to “be better.” It’s about meeting yourself, and others, with a little more compassion and a little less judgement.
And sometimes, especially at this time of year, that really is enough.