How safe do you really want to feel?
This past weekend I was on retreat at the Buddhist Retreat Centre in Ixopo. It’s always rather amusing to me that what you think you want isn’t always what you get. Amidst the nourishing food, beautiful walks and daily meditations, the one thing that stands out for me is a bright-as-the-moon insight about my relationship with safety.
We were taken through an exercise of drawing of a boat, symbolising the journey we’re currently embarking on. One of the elements we were asked to add was an anchor, representing the various things holding us back. And whilst discussing this concept with my friend, Louise, she helped me see what honestly hadn’t occurred to me at all:
That the anchor can be raised up into the boat.
Seems obvious, I know. But this honestly hadn’t even crossed my mind as an option. When things weigh me down, my tendency is to get rid of them entirely. Cut them off, eliminate them. Done.
What Louise’s observation helped me realise, is that this isn’t always necessary. That it’s possible to raise the anchor back into the boat, stow it away, and use it again later, when the need for steadiness, support and a safe harbour is required.
That there aren’t only 2 options available to us: held down to one single point OR bobbing around uncomfortably untethered. There is also the option to move and flow between the shelters of stability; a healthy balancing of both sovereignty and sanctuary.
Yikes. This has woken me up to a core belief I’ve been living with my entire life. It’s showed me that whilst I’ve always (perhaps subconsciously) sought a sense of stability and security, every time that’s been offered to me, I’ve felt the weight of it, and instantly repelled it. Purchased a home. Sold it. Got to senior position. Quit it. Loving relationship. Exited it.
In rejecting the thing I’ve wanted, terrified of it suffocating me or holding me down in some way. I’ve lost the very safety and security I’ve been seeking. And at the same time, I didn’t even know I was looking for it.
What this means is that I'm now ready to explore what the concept of safety really means to me. And whilst it may all take a while to land, I'm clear of a few things I need right now:
Feeling safe in my relationships – spending time with people with whom I can be completely myself, tears and fears and everything else
Feeling financially safe – making sure I always have a good buffer in the bank so I don’t have to live in stress mode and can manage the unexpecteds of life
Feeling safe in my environment – living in a home where I feel comfortable and unthreatened
Feeling safe in my work – doing work that brings me joy and feeling confident I can add value
What’s also been important to recognise, is that the degree of safety we need is very much linked to the particular season of life we’re in.
Sometimes when feeling courageous, we are called to brave the wild oceans. And sometimes, we need to stay in the harbour for a little while longer than usual.
In this season of my life, I feel a greater pull towards safety than ever before. So my choices are going to directed by this as their guiding light. It may mean making difficult choices. It might result in big compromise. And the initial stages will undoubtedly be tough.
But, as with anything else, if we’re clear how we want to feel, it becomes that much easier to find the inspiration to get there.
Some reflection questions for you:
What season of life are you in now?
What’s your relationship with safety at this particular time?
How is this impacting your choices, decisions and behaviour?
And are those conscious, intentional choices? Or might there be an unwanted pattern at play?
If you were to list the areas that require less safety or more safety right now, what would they be?